Today is a day I do not like.
Today is a day I do not want.
Today is a day where I want to take my heart out and give it to you and say here, have it, I do not want it anymore it is a wretched thing pale and broken and dim.
Today is a day where my words spill onto the page along with my tears, full of broken dreams and promises…falling like autumn’s dead leaves and the dirty melting snow. None of it beautiful any longer.
Today is a day where I walked my children down the road through the village holding their hands tight, one each side of me singing Christmas songs and looking up at me with scared and startled eyes trying to make sense of what they cannot. Do not worry Mum they said, we do not care about presents or things we just want you and our family together. I said nothing. There was nothing to say and I gripped their hands pulling them close to me and we walked then us three in the morning silence our smoky breath leading the way.
Today is a day where I burn my throat with too many cigarettes and scalding hot tea and listen to the ticking of my kitchen clock signalling the impending arrival of what should be a joyful time. The hands keep moving relentlessly not caring when I scream at them to stop please stop I cannot do this today.
Today is a day where my emotions are too much…a me that scares all of you with my grief and rage where you will not know what to say to me or how to comfort me.
Today is a day for strong arms and whispered words of comfort that it will all be all right in the end but they are not here and I am alone with it all and I do not want to be.
Today is a day where I want you to say it was all a mistake and here I am to take you away from it all and here is your heart back shiny and new where I have breathed life back into it.
Today is a day that I am not strong.
Today is a day that I do not want.
Today is a day that I do not like.