Today

Today…

Today is a day I do not like.

Today is a day I do not want.

Today is a day where I want to take my heart out and give it to you and say here, have it, I do not want it anymore it is a wretched thing pale and broken and dim.

Today is a day where my words spill onto the page along with my tears, full of broken dreams and promises…falling like autumn’s dead leaves and the dirty melting snow. None of it beautiful any longer.

Today is a day where I walked my children down the road through the village holding their hands tight, one each side of me singing Christmas songs and looking up at me with scared and startled eyes trying to make sense of what they cannot. Do not worry Mum they said, we do not care about presents or things we just want you and our family together. I said nothing. There was nothing to say and I gripped their hands pulling them close to me and we walked then us three in the morning silence our smoky breath leading the way.

Today is a day where I burn my throat with too many cigarettes and scalding hot tea and listen to the ticking of my kitchen clock signalling the impending arrival of what should be a joyful time. The hands keep moving relentlessly not caring when I scream at them to stop please stop I cannot do this today.

Today is a day where my emotions are too much…a me that scares all of you with my grief and rage where you will not know what to say to me or how to comfort me.

Today is a day for strong arms and whispered words of comfort that it will all be all right in the end but they are not here and I am alone with it all and I do not want to be.

Today is a day where I want you to say it was all a mistake and here I am to take you away from it all and here is your heart back shiny and new where I have breathed life back into it.

Today is a day that I am not strong.

Today is a day that I do not want.

Today is a day that I do not like.

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8 thoughts on “Today

  1. Sarah Darbyshire

    Aw Anna my lovely you really dont sound good babe. Im sending you one huuuuuuge cyber squueeeeeeeeeze and telling you it will be ok, this is deffo just a real shitty day. Dont let your mind wander into unnecessary shite, rest up, meditate do whatever it takes just to get through today and know tomorrow will be better. I hope you’re ok my lovely 💗 xxx

    Reply
  2. wordsoftheair

    I wrote this poem during one of the worst periods in my life. There were two things that got me through it: writing and my friends. You have both. Good luck, my friend. xxx

    Seasick

    It’s rough at sea this day of days
    My seasick capsule, buoyant
    Just
    Inside I groan
    I beg for rest
    For I am here
    Poised for calm
    It is in here, somewhere, buried deep
    The peace I cannot find
    For restless waves
    This storm will pass, I know
    I know
    Until then, I’ll spew
    I’ll wait.

    Reply
  3. LouisaF27

    You write very well. Do more of it.

    You are in a period of bereavement and must endure what is a process.

    Nothing will ever be the same. You shall not ever be the same.

    However, you’ve endured that before and been brave.

    Pain lessens, integrity doesn’t.

    One day you’ll look back and see those who have let you down and aren’t what they say limping and lumbering behind you.

    Till then, keep those little hands in yours and be proud you have the strength to grieve and grow.

    And PLEASE write more. You’re very talented.

    Reply

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