A remembered conversation with my Art teacher in secondary school….I was struggling to deal with the depth of emotions that I was experiencing and I asked her:
“Why am I not like other people? Why can’t I live life on an even keel like they do? It is too much for me.”
“They will not experience the lows as you do, they will not feel that depth of emotion but because of this they will also never know the great highs, the huge passion you do….no, they will never know that.”
I was fourteen.
I sometimes feel as though I still am.
I am still passionate, driven by my heart always. I love with all of it and I don’t know how to live or love in any other way. I give all of myself in great enveloping waves…it is all I know. I am intense and driven in my quest to display my feelings. For my husband, my beloved children, my family and my friends.
I never thought that I would be so blessed as to have the friends I do now. I have some very precious ones who have known me for the longest of times and are still here and I treasure them. I have new ones that I made the decision to make, throwing caution to the wind and being proactive rather than wait to be approached. I am very very glad I did. I couldn’t imagine my days without them.
There are those who listen to me daily as I do them…finding our way through life’s dramas together. There are those I rarely see in the flesh, but who accept me entirely and call me out when I am not being wholly honest with myself – we lean on each other when needed.
There are those who’s warmth and kindness brings me to tears at times, the words they share that are unexpected and delightful. The comments on social media of old friends and new, each as valued as each other. Thank you for those connections.
There are those who find me in my darkest moments and draw me into the light.
There are those who join me there and celebrate it with me not trying to fix me or label me or call it anything. They stay there with me. It helps me to breathe.
Sometimes my heart is so full I feel it might explode into a million fractured fragments of joy. Sometimes it feels so full it might sink down…down…down into the darkest of depths.
It is too much…
I am too much. Too weak, too strong, too wild, too passionate, too caring, too constrained by what society expects. Trying to fit in. Trying to find my place. Trying to find who I am. Seeing who will take this journey with me and hold my hand and not be scared of my too big heart and my too much of everything….
Will you stay and walk with me a while if it is not too much?