Happy days

Well it’s been a few months since we moved schools and it is nearly the school holidays and we are all okay. It hasn’t been without it’s bumps in the road and some of them have felt more like small mountains rather than sleeping policemen but we are still here. 

Funny that it was my daughter that I worried about the most initially, she has inherited my unhealthy desire to please and to be liked and that often comes at a price. She disturbed the status quo in her new class which made for some tough lessons but she seems to have settled in as much as possible and I hope when she goes back in September that she will just be a familiar face. She’s made some good friends and loves having play dates in our village with neighbours’ children. I’m proud of her and her resilience. 

My small boy found it much easier at first and because of that I’m ashamed to say that I took my eye off him a bit. The day I took him to school because the bus broke down was the day I had to accept that he was finding it as hard as the rest of us. We were early so he had time to run about for a bit but he never took his eyes off me. After a few moment he sidled over and asked if he could have a word with me. 

“Of course baby” I replied (knowing that he is still only little I suspected that my clean up services might be required..oh please no…) “What’s up?”

He looked up at me, his little face absolutely deadpan and said “I’ve had enough now Mummy, when can I go back to my old school? I’ve saved all my pocket money and I don’t care if we don’t go on holiday and I don’t want any new things. When can I go back?”. Then he burst into tears. We both sat on the floor in the playground whilst he sobbed on my knee. 

Fuck. 

I felt like the biggest failure in the world because I couldn’t fix this one. I just had to be there whilst he was sad. I still have to be there whilst they are both sad but it is less often and I am learning to stop trying to fix everything. Because I can’t and they need to know that too. But I can love them and I can teach them that I don’t always get it right either. 

I have been very glad of the constants in my life. My amazing husband, family and my wonderful friends. I will forever be bloody grateful for all of them. I have had to dig deep and keep moving forward which has meant that I haven’t been able to keep up with some people as much as I would like to but I hope they know that I am still here, I do value them enormously and I will sort my shit out soon. 

I have mainly survived by keeping my oldest and dearest friends close and they have stepped up amazingly. I am finally feeling really part of our lovely village too and new friendships here are proving to be very awesome indeed. Also I kind of live at the gym too. I have traded my daily coffee dates for multiple gym classes which asides from the obvious bonus that I appear to have lost 2 stone (I must have been eating a shit load of cake) has blessed me with some seriously awesome people. 

Somehow I never thought that at 43 I would make that connection with anyone else and it has come as a bloody joyful surprise that I have. So not only do I have my amazing girls (and the odd long suffering guy) who I never have to explain  my crazy shit to because they have known me forever BUT I now have some more crazy ladies who I feel like I have also known forever. We laugh, dance, grimace and sweat and cope with our mad shit together and refuse to grow old gracefully and I bloody love it. 

My wonderful husband gave me an enormous hug in the kitchen yesterday whilst commenting that I felt tiny (another reason I adore him) and I grinned at him and said “I’m so happy!” and you know what? I am. I can’t remember the last time I said that and truly felt and meant it. All the depression, the craziness, the illness…everything. 

I don’t know how long my body will let me do what I am doing physically but I will carry on whilst I can. I have the support of amazing people who get my kind of crazy obsessiveness. I get to dance, punch the shit out of life, lift weights and laugh. A lot. I love it and it is beating my years of depression hands down over any medication and I am 10 years in remission from my MS. 

Feels good. So….friendship plus exercise..

Happy days!

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