Monthly Archives: April 2016

I am who I say I am.

I haven’t written on here for ages. I haven’t really had anything much to say to be honest, it’s not that I don’t have anything going on, I do but there’s a lot that I can’t talk about because it’s not mine to discuss and it involves family and friends. I’m not going for one of those passive aggressive mysterious Facebook posts here I hope you understand, I just don’t think that it is right to share other people’s stories. That’s up to them. 

So what can I talk about? Well, I’ve taken my children out of the school they loved and moved them to our local school which I know they will grow to love just as much given time. Yeah. That was a biggy. 

The realisation that my husband and I had that we just could not continue financially if they stayed at the Independant school that they had been in since Reception was a bitter one. They loved it, we loved it, we had all made some amazing friends. We cried a lot and there was much heartache. It was not a decision that we made lightly and the tears really were for them not us because we can handle it (or so I thought). Telling them was the worst thing…..the confusion on their faces….even now they talk about their old school and I see the “why?” that goes unsaid. 

They are trying to make the best of it, it’s easier for my whirlwind of a 5 year old son. He is who he is and makes no apologies for it, if people don’t like him he just moves on and finds those who do. I aspire to be more like him. But under that bravado he misses his friends I know. My 8 year old daughter finds it much harder. She misses those friendships hard won over the last 3.5 years. She is struggling to find her place and she has inadvertantly disrupted the status quo in her new class, creating a new dynamic and there are consequences in that. I can’t protect her from that, how do I explain that sometimes children can lash out when they are unsettled or frightened by change? I have tried, I know it will just take time and I hope there won’t be too much hurt along the way for her and her friends. 

Children are fragile whilst at the same time being amazingly resilient. Which is more than I can say about me. I think I find this the hardest of all. I miss my friends, the children mainly take the school bus now so I don’t really see anyone and I feel disconnected from my old life and my new one. I feel in a strange sort of limbo that reminds me of how I felt when I moved schools when I was young. I must be careful not to let my own experiences colour my feelings about where my family is at right now and I try to be positive about it all in front of them.

I have told them that it is okay to be sad too because denying them their emotions and making them feel that they have to be super happy and enthusiastic all the time is really not helpful. It comes out in their behaviour at home though, they are more confrontational and emotional and regress to childlike behaviour and old rituals. They take comfort in watching tv programmes and reading books that they loved as little ones and want more hugs and reassurance. I do too. 

So that’s been one of the biggest things but really it is a first world problem after all, to choose between two really good schools and be in the fortunate position to do that. Really not a problem at all is it?

I just feel like I am constantly apologising for everything though. That I chose the path we took in the first place, that we have chosen a different one now. As well as apologising for what feels like a million other bloody things on a daily basis – that I don’t work, that I have MS, that I am trying to get as fit as my body will allow, that I have completely fallen out of love with cooking and borderline hate it now, that I find it really hard to maintain friendships through lack of confidence and self-belief, that I seem to forget everything and that I am just really tired most of the time. 

Why do we do it? We apologise for someone else bumping into us in a shop, we apologise for not being able to fit yet another thing into our already busy lives, we apologise for not being who we think we should be and who we think others think we should be. It’s like a constant stream of mental torture. I’m sorry for not being whatever perfect idea of me that you had. I’m sorry if you thought that when I said one thing you thought I meant something entirely different – when often these are our thoughts alone. Agonising and over analysing continually. 

We are constantly criticising and judging  ourselves and I have really been doing a number on myself over the whole school and friendships thing recently.

What I really want to say is – If I say I care, I do. If I say I have done my best, I have. If I say that I made the best decision based on the information that I had at the time, I did. If I say I am your friend no matter what, I am. If I tell you I love you, I do. If I say don’t hurt the people I love or you will regret it, then you can’t say you weren’t given fair warning. I am who I say I am. I am going to stop apologising for being me.  

I have found myself starting to apologise for going back to college even though I know it will lead to bigger and better things for me and my family. I feel selfish about it somehow. I love learning though and firing up my rusty old brain, it’s wonderful. So I won’t apologise for that again. 

I don’t think that I am coming to any particular conclusion here but the words of a dear friend came to mind as I wrote this “never apologise for what you have or haven’t got”. I want to add to that –

Never apologise for who you are or who you are not. 

Sorry for the ramble. 

Damn.

I did it again.