I made a comment in a recent blog post about not feeling like a grown up. As I wrote it I thought – more on that later – because in all honesty, I really need to know that I’m not the only one out there who genuinely thought that once they got past 40 that they would somehow transform into a proper, fully fledged grown up.
I do believe I actually thought that I would no longer feel like I was “faking it” and that by the power of whatever I would magically transform into a bonafide adult who knew exactly what she was doing, had a purpose, a calling and felt entirely satisfied with herself.
I am sure that someone promised me that this would happen.
Someone asked me the other day what I wanted to be when I grew up. I couldn’t answer and the reason that I couldn’t answer was because I still don’t know for sure. I thought that one day I would know, the mists would clear, that there would be that “thing” that would make my heart sing. But I am still waiting for it. I vaguely remember thinking about being an artist and then not thinking that I would be good enough. I think that I thought that about being a writer too and possibly lots of other things.
So I didn’t.
I was waiting to feel like a grown up so that I could make the right decision. I realise whilst writing this that I am still waiting.
So what do I do now? I am hit with the realisation that grown ups don’t actually appear to exist and no one seems to really know what they are doing apart from world leaders and maybe even they are bluffing which is REALLY scary.
I do a fair bit of voluntary work but even that I just sort of fell in to because someone asked me if I would be interested. Maybe they thought I looked like I knew what I was doing or perhaps they just wanted to give me a chance. I think the latter probably. I love what I do there, I get to share my experiences sometimes in the hope that they might give others clarity and learn so much from all the amazing people I meet. Very inspiring.
But I still don’t feel like a grown up!!!
AND I still want to…..
stay in bed all day, go to festivals, dance until I can’t stand up, drink too much, get stoned and laugh until it hurts, dress inappropriately, get lots of tattoos (I am going to get one I’m just indecisive), stay up all night talking crap to friends and random strangers, go on crazy adventures, back pack around the world, live in a commune…..
Be Wonder Woman!!
That’s what I wanted to be when I grew up. Wonder Woman. I remember now…the hair, the outfit, the fabulous gold rope. I won a fancy dress competition dressed as her when I was about 7 years old despite having blond her and pink NHS glasses. I was fabulous. I felt like I could do anything, be anything, the world was my oyster and I was invincible.
Maybe I don’t want to be a grown up. Maybe I just want to be a 7 year old dressed up as Wonder Woman. Can anyone see a career opportunity here?