That little voice

I’ve been losing the plot a bit lately…huge confidence issues have been stirred up again and that little voice that tells me that I am not good enough and never will be has begun to get a little louder.

I am struggling.

I am under water, fighting for air and trying to get back to the surface and the little voice is there taunting me….

‘You thought you could run? You thought you could have a normal life? You thought you could beat all the demons and rise above the years of low self esteem and lack of confidence? You thought you could be a good parent, a good wife, a good friend? Really? You really thought you would get to have all that? You thought you wouldn’t get ill again? Silly girl…….’

I swallow down the hurt and the grief. I try not to listen to that little voice. I want my Mum. I want to be like everybody else. I want to run…….

…..because when I run it feels for a moment that I can run away from everything and silence that little voice with the pounding of my feet and the sound of my breathing and my heart beat that grows ever faster. When I brush the sweat from my face I am brushing away the years of illness, depression and grief at the loss of loved ones, good health and friends that once were.

I run from the hurt, the disappointment, the anger. I run from the tantrums, the tears, the constant demands. I run to fill myself back in where I have become hollow as what was once me has been sucked out over the years.

Who am I now?

Am I the girl who was bullied and told to be quiet, hush my smart mouth no one likes a too loud too clever child?Am I the girl committed in a relationship too young not knowing how to get out? Am I the girl that still doesn’t know what she wants to do when she grows up? Am I the girl always playing the joker, always wanting to be loved by everyone?

That little voice thinks it knows…..and I can’t run to keep it quiet right now because I have hurt myself and I am scared that I might not get better and then I won’t be able to run so that it can’t catch me.

So I have to find a way to quiet it because yes, I am all those things but I am more than that too.

I am a woman who fought to birth her babies at home.

I am a woman who refuses to be beaten by illness because what is the alternative?

I am a woman who fights through everyday without her beautiful mother to help and guide her.

I am a woman who adores her incredible best friend of a husband who never stops believing.

I am a woman who despite her harsh and selfish ways loves her children really so much more than her own life and wants the world to be beautiful for them.

I am a woman who will give everything for her friends who have become family through choice and everything for her family because blood is strong.

I am a woman who makes mistakes and can’t always fix them but tries anyway.

I am a woman who tries every day to rise back up to the surface and hopes that that little voice stays under

That little voice tells me I can’t.

I tell it to be quiet…..

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6 thoughts on “That little voice

  1. Katie

    That little voice is your inner bully. You need to stand up to bullies because when you do they can’t hurt you anymore, so next time you hear that taunting whisper, say out loud, “No, I will not let you hurt me again”. The more you say it the more you will believe it and it will become real. It what those of us that care about you will always do for you, its what your amazing Mum would have told you to do, so be strong and say “no more of this”. x

    Reply
    1. realmrsmoore Post author

      Thank you dear friend for understanding. I guess the bullies never go away do they? That made me cry. In an omg I have really amazing people in my life way. Love you xx

      Reply
  2. Tara

    I think there is one little voice for all of us that jumps from person to person, when it has done damage in one and got bored it jumps to the next person. Luckily we all know that voice and find ways to defeat it, only after we are bruised and cowed by it and because we all know it, we will give help from the sidelines if our friends have that voice playing in their mind. Be gone from Anna because you can’t undermine such sound foundations, she will look in the mirror and know that she is beautiful, flawed and perfect at the same time, she will know her strengths and her weaknesses and she will know that there is a door she can close on you. Find the door Anna, close it and give yourself a break. If you are still unable to run at the moment, close your eyes and imagine the run (it is actually quite good, the heart still races, but you can’t hear your feet pounding). Take care of yourself and just saying aloud how you feel is so courageous – I wish I did that more and allowed others to help me. xxx

    Reply
    1. realmrsmoore Post author

      Thank you lovely friend, your lovely words mean more than I can say. I promise to try my hardest to find that door and shut it. Thanks for leaning against it with me xxx am off to imagine running with you! Xx

      Reply
  3. Claire gore

    Wow Anna (second contact in a million years) I struggle daily with not having my Dad with me anymore and it is soooo hard! I love your determination in everything else you have to deal with as I only that and find it incredibly tough! So hats off to you and I just may take up running!! Xxxx

    Reply
    1. realmrsmoore Post author

      Hello again lovely!! It’s horrid losing a parent isn’t it, well actually way more than horrid it’s bloody dreadful. I am planning on writing about Mum’s death at some point but I’m not quite ready yet. Soon though. Time helps, you get used to them not being here but it doesn’t hurt less not for me anyway. 8 years this year and I think of her every day as I know you will your Dad. We’re still here though and we must keep going for them I think. Well done you, it’s not easy at all. Running is awesome and torturous and incredible and time for ourselves when we need it 🙂 xx

      Reply

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