I’ve been losing the plot a bit lately…huge confidence issues have been stirred up again and that little voice that tells me that I am not good enough and never will be has begun to get a little louder.
I am struggling.
I am under water, fighting for air and trying to get back to the surface and the little voice is there taunting me….
‘You thought you could run? You thought you could have a normal life? You thought you could beat all the demons and rise above the years of low self esteem and lack of confidence? You thought you could be a good parent, a good wife, a good friend? Really? You really thought you would get to have all that? You thought you wouldn’t get ill again? Silly girl…….’
I swallow down the hurt and the grief. I try not to listen to that little voice. I want my Mum. I want to be like everybody else. I want to run…….
…..because when I run it feels for a moment that I can run away from everything and silence that little voice with the pounding of my feet and the sound of my breathing and my heart beat that grows ever faster. When I brush the sweat from my face I am brushing away the years of illness, depression and grief at the loss of loved ones, good health and friends that once were.
I run from the hurt, the disappointment, the anger. I run from the tantrums, the tears, the constant demands. I run to fill myself back in where I have become hollow as what was once me has been sucked out over the years.
Who am I now?
Am I the girl who was bullied and told to be quiet, hush my smart mouth no one likes a too loud too clever child?Am I the girl committed in a relationship too young not knowing how to get out? Am I the girl that still doesn’t know what she wants to do when she grows up? Am I the girl always playing the joker, always wanting to be loved by everyone?
That little voice thinks it knows…..and I can’t run to keep it quiet right now because I have hurt myself and I am scared that I might not get better and then I won’t be able to run so that it can’t catch me.
So I have to find a way to quiet it because yes, I am all those things but I am more than that too.
I am a woman who fought to birth her babies at home.
I am a woman who refuses to be beaten by illness because what is the alternative?
I am a woman who fights through everyday without her beautiful mother to help and guide her.
I am a woman who adores her incredible best friend of a husband who never stops believing.
I am a woman who despite her harsh and selfish ways loves her children really so much more than her own life and wants the world to be beautiful for them.
I am a woman who will give everything for her friends who have become family through choice and everything for her family because blood is strong.
I am a woman who makes mistakes and can’t always fix them but tries anyway.
I am a woman who tries every day to rise back up to the surface and hopes that that little voice stays under
That little voice tells me I can’t.
I tell it to be quiet…..